It’s something that’s been playing on my mind for a while; I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to bring out my dominant side more in my play. My topping side gets out a lot, but it’s rare I get to actually dominate someone in a play sense (work doesn’t count).
There are quite a few ideas and thoughts I’ve had tumbling through my head since I had the pleasure of attending several of Laura Antoniou’s classes on D/s earlier this year. She has a way with words that really can’t be described unless you’ve read her work or heard her speak. Many things from her classes stuck and gave me ideas to use while others brought up questions. Primarily they’ve had me questioning what it is I want in a play partner when it comes to D/s and therefore what D/s looks like for me and how I define it. I finally had some clarity hit me recently, but then the communications workshop I was at on ther weekend also reminded me I need to work out how to convey what I want in a D/s play partner.
To me service and submission, while not mutually exclusive, are two very different approaches to the bottoming side of a D/s dynamic. First, consider the dictionary meaning of each word for the context we use them in the kink world:
service:
an act of helpful activity; help; aid: to do someone a service.
submission:
the quality or condition of being submissive to another.
This alone got me thinking about what I desire from a play partner.
One thing I really like and I think is a core desire is someone that loves to be useful and either has the skills to be useful or the desire to learn things that will make them useful in exchange for something I can give them that is, to them and myself, equal value. I want someone that wants to do things for me I can’t do or things that take up my already precious time is probably going to be more valuable to me than someone that can take 2000 needles in one sitting. Don’t get me wrong, I love my needle play, but what I’ve realised I really want is someone in service to me. I get all tingly at the thought of having someone that truly enjoys making sure my medical play area is setup with everything I need just the way I like it because they have listened to me and watched me carefully as I’ve shown them what I need and where I need it and gone through it over and over in their head until they know they can get it right. I want someone that can respectfully offer suggestions on how to improve the way things are laid out and the reasoning behind said suggestion, and who is able to relearn how I want something when I change how I want it. Most importantly I want someone I have the trust in to do all that and who can tell me honestly what they wish to receive in return that they deem to be of equal value. For me the clear exchange between myself and the servant means the servant is not submissive; they aren’t submitting to me, they’re participating in a transaction. The value they place on their service could be impact play sessions or wax play sessions or anything really that I am able and willing to give in exchange for their service.
At the same time though I do enjoy some power exchange, at least on occasion. I like to be able to the one that’s in control and to call the shots; having someone that is willing to obey my every order unquestioningly because it’s what I want. I still want them serving me and I’m happy to give them something in exchange that they want, but it’ll be in the quantity and as frequently as I see fit. This means I’d like a certain element of submission as well, though I want someone that doens’t need me to give them orders to do everything little thing. They need to have enough independence and inititive to do what is expected of them or find something useful to do if I’m not available. Someone that just follows me around like a lost puppy until I give them further instructions doesn’t appeal to me.
And I don’t want any sexual involvement with my D/s play partner. For me it takes away from the dynamic.
By the way, you’ll notice I haven’t mentioned anything about slaves or slavery. Slavery is less appealling to me and I think it’s something entirely separate again. I have ideas and thoughts on it that are still evolving into sensible words and will likely take up an entire post on their own some time in the future.
Reading back over all that submissive doesn’t feel right for what I want. Neither does servant, which was what I initially thought I wanted. After some pondering and reading I think a more accurate term for the kind of D/s play partner I’d like is subservient or a subordinate. I guess that’s what I will start looking for when sizing up potential D/s play partners from now on. It feels good to have all of that right enough in my head to get it out in a lengthier than intended piece of writing.
I have no idea if I will find someone that fits into my ideal; someone that really wants to be the subordinate I fantasize about. But if I do I’m kind of looking forward to spending the time and energy with them to work on that dynamic until it comes naturally to both of us.
Onna-Bugeisha Xi 